angst
/äNG(k)st/
noun
- a feeling of deep anxiety or dread, typically an unfocused one about the human condition or the state of the world in general.
By all accounts, being a teenager is supposed to be the angstiest time of your life, but what happens when you turn 25 or 30 or 50 and come to the conclusion that you still feel the same? Do you have a moment where you ask yourself if you’re the only one who feels like this anymore? Or do you move on, carrying the knowledge that people don’t change nearly as much as we’d like to believe we do and doing nothing about it?
I’m not sure that we’re ever supposed to move on from feeling like this, at least a little bit. Is there ever a point in life where you wake up and realize that you’re not feeling the foreboding anymore? In my late twenties, I can’t confidently say there are days I’ve never felt it, but there are days I feel it less now. Maybe that’s the kind of person I am, though. Maybe some people just never grow out of it entirely. I might be one of them.
What I can say is that the feeling has grown with me. When I was in my teens, I was so much angrier. Angry at the world, angry at myself, angry at whatever could possibly come my way. Everything felt so big and new and scary in ways I hadn’t learned to articulate, much less cope with. Fights weren’t had to solve anything, they were had to prove I was right. I would’ve burned the bridge I stood on if it meant I was able to prove my point and have the last word.
The rage still exists, well over a decade from the first time I felt it. It simmers more than boils now, though. The cause became more important than the effect at some point, and the feelings come after instead of before. I’ve been able to start speaking to be understood and not just to be heard. For the most part, at least. That doesn’t mean I’m not still well acquainted with the doom and gloom — we speak on a semi-regular basis, all three of us.
Mood setting is important when you’re trying to let yourself stew in your feelings. Here are two of my best soundtracks, one from then and one for now.